How to Annoy Rachel Alucard
by Azuri-Chann
Summary: Ever wondered how to REALLY grate on the nerves of the regularly unfazed and patronizingly impassive vampire? Well, look no further! In collab with AbyssOfMemories.


Ivy: "Welcome to the collab written by myself annnnd *drumroll* AbyssOfMemories! If you're wondering, it all started on a day when the two of us were procrastinating..."

Abyss: *slides in from nowhere* "Why are you including me in that sentence...?"

Ivy: *carries on* "So I suggested that we collaborate to make one of those 'How to Annoy' fanfictions. At first we were thinking about Hazama and Ragna, but then Rachel seemed like the perfect victim -I mean- the perfect fit! And thus, this piece of fanfictin was born...

Firstly, before setting off on the mission to highly irritate the normally unfazed Heiress of the Alucard Mansion, get into gear and compose a random checklist. What you write in that checklist, I do not know. I only mentioned it because it sounded pretty cool to say at the time.

Okay. Got an anti-electric cape? Check. A folder containing handy blackmail material? Check. A brown paperbag? Check. A CD player? Check. A paper clip? Check. Anti-wrinkle cream? Check!

Now...After devouring a baguette full of wonderfully unhealthy carbohydrates, you are ready to read _How to Annoy Rachel Alucard_ and hopefully learn some valuable information!"

Abyss: "Please enjoy and...Pay no heed to her incessant ramblings."

Ivy: "I wasn't rambling! *denial* I was merely composing an opening speech!"

Abyss: "Of rambles."

Ivy: *deflates and turns to audience* "Read, enjoy, and review..."

* * *

**How to Annoy Rachel Alucard**

* * *

Bug her room to record any embarrassing and-or confidential occurrences.  
Plant a Ragna plushie on her bed when she's asleep and take a picture. Add it as black mail material for later use.  
Remember to use this blackmail against her each time she may try to electrocute or unleash the wrath of the winds upon you. Now you are free to annoy her as you please...

Poke Rachel hourly, be it on the shoulders, behind her neck or by her waist because almost _everybody _hates it when people poke them.  
Comment on her lacking figure.  
Squirt tomato juice in her eyes.  
Laugh at her hairdo.  
Yell "RabitRabitRabit" every time you see her.  
Tell Tao that the bunny person has a lot of food hidden in her dress.  
Let it slip to Kokonoe that Rachel supports the Ban Candy Production Campaign, and sit back and relax as crazy scientist wrath befalls the unknowing vampire.  
Give Miss Litchi Rachel's address and watch as she dresses her up in Easter-themed costumes. Then take pictures of the ridiculous cosplay and post it all over the internet, the town and the sewers.  
Dump a pail of water on her every time she tries to electrocute someone, namely Gii.  
Catapult toilet paper all over her mansion.  
Cover the walls of her room with graffiti.  
Tell her you've seen better Mary Poppins cosplayers.  
Decorate her room with posters from the Twilight Saga.  
Dig a hole in her rose garden and cover it with grass, when she falls in the pit, dump a wheelbarrow full of tomato juice over her head.  
Change all the clocks in her house so that she misses tea time.  
Tell her that she's too old to be having tea parties with stuffed animals.  
Replace all of Rachel's tea with coffee.  
Replace all her Black Tea with Green Tea.  
Replace all sugar with salt when Valkenhayn is out and then hope he doesn't notice when he makes Her Ladyship her morning brew.  
Flush her precious teas one-by-one down the lavatory.  
Use her tooth brush to clean the sewers for no particular reason other than to annoy her.  
Hide in her rose garden and jump up at random intervals saying "Peek a Boo" and then chortle like a mad person.  
Throw tomatoes at her face.  
Show her the Ragna X Jin fanfictions.  
Show her the Ragna X Jin artwork.  
Make weird slurping noises every time she sips on her tea.  
Drown her crumpets in hot sauce.  
Put snails on her seat before she sits down.  
Tell her that Valkenhayn swore not to make anymore milk crepes, because of her insufferable lactose intolerance.  
Then put a whoopee cushion on her seat when she's not looking and comment "Look whose Miss Etiquette now…."  
Trample all over the roses in her precious rose garden.  
Hide a stink bomb in her garden and activate it when she takes a nap.  
Invite Ragna and Jin to stay at her mansion, watch as total chaos ensues from there as they trash Rachel's precious manor.  
Invite Tao and all the Kaka kittens for a tea party and say that Nago is a piñata and that candy will fall out of Gii if you stretch him hard enough.  
Tell the Kaka kittens that Rachel's dress is like a jumping castle and that they're free to test it out.  
Record a video as the Kaka kittens jump up and down on the unsuspecting vampire.  
Sprinkle pepper over Gii so that he sneezes in her face. Take a picture as she abuses her servant and post it for all to see. Report her for Cretin Abuse, and let the authorities after her.  
Put Gii in a suit of rubber so he can't get shocked.  
Tell Rachel that her hair looks dreadfully ugly.  
Tell her that she should give up as the Snob Awards already went to Kokonoe.  
Insult her fashion sense.  
Tell her that Ragna hates Gothic Lolita style.  
Break her precious Meissen teacup and then say "Oopsie" before carrying on trashing the rest of her tea set.  
Prance around her tea table singing "Tra la la la" each time you toss a saucer.  
When she demands for cake, tell her you would go get some immediately. Then present Her Ladyship with a slimy cake of soap.  
If she refuses to eat it, let alone touch it, forcibly insert said cake in her mouth.  
Tell her that her familiars are deciding to quit and work for Terumi because he's offering payment.  
Give her a fanmade video of Ragna and Noel kissing.  
Tell Terumi that Rachel has a _huge_ crush on Tager.  
Tell Valkenhayn about her feelings for Ragna, and enjoy the lovely scolding she'll most likely receive.  
Make her eat Noel's cooking.  
Make her read Tao a bedtime story.  
Call her a midget on heels.  
Tell her that the knife and fork in her dress looks ridiculously stupid.  
Ask her to peel potatoes with the knife in her dress.  
Tell her she's a glutton for carrying her cutlery with her wherever she goes.  
Hide a creepy, obsessive fanboy underneath her bed.  
Pay a hobo to follow her around everywhere. And I mean, EVERYWHERE!  
Force her to watch soap operas and the other trash they play on television.  
Put speakers all around her rose garden and once it is tea time, put in the CD titled "Collection of Barney songs that will Drive you Insane".  
Tell her that Ragna has a thing for Miss Litchi.  
Then offhandedly suggest that if she dressed scantily he'd probably spare her a second glance.  
Have Ragna tell Rachel that he loves her, only to show that it was Arakune in a disguise.  
Wave one of Bang's socks under her nose.  
Write a letter to Hakumen as Rachel confessing that her heart is like a vociferous typhoon on a rampage because she is in love-love with him~!  
Tell her that Valkenhayn donated all her wealth to the vigilantes.  
Give her a garland of garlic as a gift and see what happens.  
Tell her that she's not a real vampire because she doesn't sparkle in the sun.  
Then smear fish oil all over her until she glows.  
Or have someone drop sparkles on her when she is in the sun.  
Bleach all her clothes white.  
Spray paint her hair green and call her a Trollololololol.  
Make her listen to Arakune karaoke.  
Throw Bang's red scarf at her feet as a makeshift red carpet, and retreat in quick bow before the stench gets to you.  
Make her listen to Terumi's lame jibes.  
Give her a fanmade video of her doing the disco in spandex.  
Give her a package that will explode streamers in her face when opened.  
Record Terumi's maniacal cackle. Play it on the same track until her posh little head explodes.  
Knock on her room door and leave a cradle with a mutated half-Ragna half-Nu doll snuggled up in it.

If any of the above mentioned does not go as planned...MAKE A RUN FOR YOUR GODDAMN LIFE!

* * *

Ivy: "Well. There it is. I hope the readers had a laugh or two and enjoyed it, because we certainly enjoyed writing this!"

Abyss: "We certainly did, now if the readers would be so kind as to rev-"

Rachel: "-Taste my wrath mortals who composed this unbecoming excuse of a fanfiction!"

Ivy: "What the-! Rachel? How did you get here? Aaaah! Okay people; please review and-woah- run for your life Ty!"

Abyss: *turns to audience* "Thank you for reading! *zooms off* I'm long gone, Ivy!"


End file.
